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##Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.

A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.

Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?

A: The outside.

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A: A walkie-talkie, of course.

Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.

Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

A: Too many cheetahs.

Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?

A: To the retail store.

Q: What kind of dog tells time?

A: A watch dog.

##One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle,killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like? " The man answered, "Well,it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl. "

##One day there was a tortoise walking on the road. Along came the hare that had once been defeated by the tortoise in a race. The hare was so angry from what had happened to him so he challenged him to another race. The tortoise gladly accepted his challenge. It ended up that the tortoise and the hare never finished the race because they both took a nap right before the finish line. So the tortoise is still the champion of the race. So remember this you snooze you loose!

##One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech " the orangutang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books "? "Well," said the orang utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother. "

##On preparing to return home from an out of town trip,this man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane.. About 30 minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shaking and quivering. 'Are you OK, sir?' asked the stew? 'Yes, I'm fine.' said the man. Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and shaking again.. 'Are you sure you're alright sir?' 'Yes.' said the man, 'but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants.' 'What is wrong?' asked the stew, 'Is he not house broken?' 'No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!'