A big bunch of short jokes collection

1. Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

2. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

3. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey.

4. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

5. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

6. What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.

Icy dead people.

7. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

 

8. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"

9. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

 

11. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks"

I said "Don't mention it"

 

12. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

13. I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

14. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"

Is it one or two? One... or two?

 

15. What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.

 

16. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

 

17. So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

 

18. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

 

19. What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.

20. Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

21. How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

22. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

23. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

24. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

25. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

 

26. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said "40"

 

27. I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It's shift work.

 

28. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

 

29. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

30. What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

31. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

32. Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."

Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

 

33. What's ET short for?

He's only got little legs.

34. Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

 

35. Knock Knock

Who's There?

Dishes

Dishes Who?

Dishes Sean Connery.

36. Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date.

 

I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.

37. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

38. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"

39. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"

40. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

 

41. People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.

But people in Abu Dhabi do!

 

42. I've been told I'm condescending.

(that means I talk down to people)

 

43. Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

 

44. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koalafications

 

45. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

 

46. 2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!".

47. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

48. My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.